Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Hiding the Bones: A Dog Tail~

I have been giving the dogs real meaty bones lately. They seem to enjoy them but I am concerned about Seamus.

The brown dog spends an inordinate amount of time with his bones and then more time trying to figure out where to HIDE them.

I hear wild scratching at all times of the day and night - only to see my dog-with-little-brain trying to "unbury" a bone from the couch cushions, the throw pillows, a carpet runner, or from where he WEDGED it under the couch. (How he gets in under that far, I have no clue.)

This morning, after my bike ride, I jumped in the shower. When I emerged, I heard a ruckus in the closet. I see Seamus dragging the laundry basket around with his teeth - he has a hold of Dan's underwear and is trying to pull it through a slat in the laundry basket.

He is very intense about it. I tell him to leave Dad's tighty-wighties alone and push the basket back into place.

A minute later, same issue - the brown dog is trying to pull the drawers through the slat.

Now, Seamus follows the motto, "No brains, no headaches." But he usually leaves DH's underwear alone. So, I investigate and SURE ENOUGH... he has yesterday's meaty
bone wrapped up in Dad's "yesterday" underwear.

THIS explains the "clean" meaty bone in the dryer last Sunday.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Ball Changes

Today Doctor Dave's evil assistant called to invite me back in to the surgical center to replace my testicles. It seems the plastic things floating around inside do nothing for the aesthetics of these instruments of torture and Doctor Dave simply will NOT have me going around looking like that.

I dressed for the occasion, including underwear and a sports bra. Lacking a decent place to properly pin the balls to my clothing, I gave up and inserted one on each side of the bra - where the bra's "cups" would be if I had breasts. Since the balls are deflated due to this giant suction thing they are performing, the effect was a like oversized and inverted nipples.

For some reason, this made my appearance rather humerous. The office staff frantically grasped their collective sides and appeared to wet their collective thongs. The Evil Assistant then took a series of pictures reminiscent of the good Doctor's "before" and "after" shots that document his careful work.

She is of the opinion that Doctor Dave will either become very annoyed with her for using his camera on "breast work" he did not perform, or he will wet his drawers.

Since I get to see the good Doctor tomorrow for a tube change and a bandage-check, I think it would be decent of me to bring a gift. But I am at a loss: Tighty-wighties or Scooby Doo boxers?

Lightbulb Ideas~

My friend Kelley is very annoyed about having to use to new energy-efficient, enironmentally-safe, mercury-filled "last forever" lightbulbs. She feels that we, as consumers, are being forced to buy them and she will never do so. Since incandescent lightbulbs will be out of the stores within a few years, she and her sister plan to hoard the incandescent versions. They will stockpile them in garages, attics, cupboards, and unused nooks and crannies around the ol' homesteads.

Me? I am not in agreement. At all.

Personally, I prefer candlelight. I have hoarded candles since 1980 and dutifully recycle the wax to make new candles. My "candle recycling" enterprise is crude but efficient. I waste tons of natural gas heating up all the chips, chunks, and other waxy droppings. I do this on our stove! Then I pour the melted wax into various containers I have recycled over the years - soda cans, peanut butter jars, wine bottles, yogurt cups, and pickle jar lids. I buy wicking by the mile and store it in old wrapping paper tubes.

I am currently experimenting with outdoor lighting by pouring a bit of wax from each melting session into an old PVC pipe I found along the side of the road. Somebody actually threw it out! The form is perfect for creating what I hope to be a huge "torch" that will light part of my patio and enhance my garden daycore. I will "plant" these in my yard! Solar garden lights? HA! They will PALE in comparison to these babies. I just need to ensure that the plants in the vicinity are non-flammable.

We have had many close calls over the years with pesky little house fires, but worry not! I save all the charred materials and either continue to use them, recycle them into wall and yard art, or burn the remainders in my fireplace very winter. I repaint the damaged walls every spring - just like changing out the batteries in the smoke detectors - I repaint and caulk damaged surfaces! And those smoke detectors work, believe me. With a bit of engineering ingenuity, an engineer-pal of mine got our smoke detectors to play guitar riffs from "Smoke on the Water" and "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes." Now, annoying little fire mishaps are transformed into musical interludes!

Oh yes.. there have a few other 'unfortunate' incidents involving my long-haired cat. Suffice to say that he sleeps hangs out in the closet now and the latest skin graft is healing nicely.

Incandecent lightbulbs? PUHleeeeze. Y'all are so backwards it's laughable!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Advice from Jim, my favorite Outlaw~

Since Jim and Anita are Brandy's parents, I get to call them my "outlaws." I was pleased to get an eMail response from them today regarding my surgery and what Jim refers to as my "newly acquired hotness." He warns that I must use my powers for GOOD.

I chuckled when I read it. Then I laughed out loud. I would have gone into a full knee-slap, but my tender post-surgical areas disallow that. So, I carefully considered this new illusion of "hotness" and then replied accordingly:

Oh yes, dear Jim….. I am hot. And then I am cold. And then I am hot again. I drip sweat while shivering… this is because of “reduced body volume” and my newly hot body attempting to get used to it.

I have two hand-grenade things attached to tubes that that go into delicate body areas. They drain a lovely color of liquid constantly. I finally grew balls! I am wearing a strait-jacket thing that velcroes well to itself and to delicate lower body hair. It has sharp edges that are gouging my upper legs and hip areas. Since I have reduced sensation, I don’t notice these secondary injuries until they start bleeding or the irritation causes me to look. (That or Augie Doggie attempting to “clean” the wound.)

My back aches from taking over from my newly tightened torso muscles – which were in good shape to begin with but couldn’t be seen or heard. Now they are on a 15-day strike because their delicate sheaths have been stitched and yanked and heaved into a new location.

I have the stamina of an sloth, drink water constantly, pee hourly, and have to sleep with every pillow in the house. I am awake every 2 hours to pee or turn over so I don’t get bedsores. The only good night sleep I’ve had in 6 nights was on Tuesday – when I took an anti-anxiety pill and chased it with a pain pill. I slept for 12 solid hours. I did not get up to pee and I did not turn over. It took me 20 minutes to unwedge myself from my pillow cocoon. Then I had to hobble to the bathroom with a bladder worthy of a racehorse. Something tells me this little drug cocktail would have gotten me on television if my last name were "Hilton" or "Spears."

When I finally got to shower, after three long days, I couldn’t do it alone. Only a TRUE best friend would come and help with such a task. And I have one. The only downside is the fact that three of us know about this little arrangement, and one of them is my husband who was at work at the time. He said he wished he’d known – he’d have come home with his camera. (Yeah, to two middle aged women taking a shower… one of them wearing party beads and plastic testicles.)

I have to shower with the testicles slung through bright green Mardi Gras beads since those were all I had handy in the bathroom when I needed something to keep the 17 yards of aquarium tubing from sliding out of my body when the hand grenade portions hit the ground. Not that they could – they are sutured to a very delicate area in the body that is not reacting well to its unexpected shave and foreign objects of attachment. Re-read that part…SUTURED. I want you to picture 17 yards of aquarium tubing SUTURED to an area within centimeters of YOUR, uh…. “drains.”

Oh yes, dear OutLaw Jim.. I am HOT.


New Computer

The old computer has been on its last legs for a long time. It has been sluggish and unreliable the last few months and a game of Free Cell caused an automatic shutdown in the afternoons if the humidity was under 65%.

I tried to buy one from a local vendor but had no luck. The local vendors were either closed when I went looking or were staffed by fat foreign guys who tried to sell me what I didn't need while constantly flipping open their cell phones. This happened twice.

I went to the big box store and was amazed at the variety of computers. What amazed me more was the variety of teen-somethings with big-box name tags and absolutely nothing to do. When it dawned on me that customer service from these sloths was not forthcoming, I fled the store and came home to hide.

With credit card in hand, I went online to Dell and ordered this new machine. It is very nice. It lacks a media card reader, but I didn't know what a media card reader was when I was ordering, and when Dell "strongly recommended" one, I clicked on by. Now it seems I need one in order to use the memory stick for the camera. Go figure! Seems to me if something is "strongly recommended" as a component, then maybe Dell should just include it as part of the package.

The new machine arrived but I had no time to clean files off the old one, dismantle it, and then set up the new one. For two weeks the boxes sat in the living room, rather forlorn.

There were two graduations. There was a wedding. There was a quick trip up north. And then I had surgery.

No problem, I thought - I will set up the new computer a few days after surgery.

It took me hours BEFORE the surgery to clean out the files and copy them. It also took me hours AFTER surgery to unplug all the cords. I would travel to the computer, unplug a cord, and then go rest. Since the machine has many cords, you can imagine how many days this took.

Once the cords were unplugged and tied with little bread wires, they had to be moved into the livingroom next to the old keyboard - the only component I could move off the desk myself. Then I had to wait for the Y-chromosome people to find time and MOVE the computer carcasses off the computer desk and into the livingroom, next to the neatly wrapped cords.

And DUST? Can we just talk a minute about the dust? You can't set up a new machine in old dust. So - it took several trips to the hall closet to get the vacuum, remove the carpet attachments, roll the vacuum into the computer room, and then go rest. It took a few more trips to actually VACUUM.

Dustin came home at one point while I was vacuuming the middle portion of the computer desk. "You shouldn't be doing that," he said, leaning against the door frame.

"Yeah, I know. Feel free to jump right in," I replied, moving slowly around to face him. By the time I pivoted enough for a full-face conversation, he was gone. So I turned off the Dyson and went to rest.

The other Y-chromosome guy in this house said he would move anything I needed - just ask. When I asked, after resting, he said just a minute because the mother of all horse races that won't be repeated for another 30 years, is coming on. Then it was the U.S. Open. So I rested some more.

Then I decided to open the boxes. I got some nice scissors and settled down to the task from a seated position on the couch. It took me an hour to open them all. It took the Y-guy 30 seconds to pull out anything he didn't deem important and pile the unimportant stuff and the computer packing materials into one of the boxes. In the time it took him to move the new components to the nicely dusted computer desk, I was able to fish out the Owners' Manuals, the back-up CDs, the power cords, the Quicken software box, the Norton Anti-Virus package, the packing slip, and the computer mouse.

"Did you vacuum?" he asked, all indignant.

"What makes you think that?" I asked, gently easing myself up from the floor with about a thousand dollars worth of unimportant stuff.

"Okay, because I told you I would do that..." he says as he heads back to express his preference for Tiger Woods and horses with original names like "Brown Horse."

After proudly connecting the keyboard and the mouse to the appropriate places, I went to rest.

The next day, Ann came to the rescue. We set up the computer in a timely manner. This involved Ann vacuuming, Ann removing excess cords from computers long dead sent to electronic heaven, and Ann setting up and initializing the computer. I watched and she let me push a button. Then I rested. Ann installed the computer speakers and registered all the software.

Now I am going to go rest. It is strongly recommended.