Adventures with Alli - Day One

During my trip to Target this morning when I bought the pink-dog-tag-looking flash drive that didn't work - I looked for that weight loss stuff, the Alli. I figured with all the hype PLUS front page coverage in the L.A. Times and talk radio, there would be big old signs. But no! So I had to ask the pharmacist.

Tell me WHY I felt like I was asking for condoms? It was really hard for me to do!

The very lovely and quite slender pharmacist said that they didn't have any Alli in stock yet and that there would be a big o' display when they did. Then she gave me a funny look like I was trying to buy condoms and gave me a flyer. "You DO understand about this product, don't you? It makes you gassy."

I wanted to tell her that all I wanted to do was fit back into the stack of Size 8 jeans in my closet. But she would probably think I was lying or something. Pharmacists hear it all, I just bet.

I checked out in the Garden Department because I needed some pots. The lady behind me saw the flyer and I swear to Goodness... as loud as she could she says,

"OH YEAH - THAT ALLI STUFF? FOR WEIGHT LOSS? YEAH THEY HAVE IT AT SAM"S CLUB! A HUGE DISPLAY! ON SALE!"

Everyone in line was staring at me like I was holding a box of lubricated and ribbed Trojan-enz or something, complete with a tube of K-Y, a paperback copy of the Kama Sutra, AND a pack of DD batteries. Sheesh.

I thanked her quietly and skulked out of there while she says,

"OH YEAH.. I was just there! Like, aren't we ALL looking for that stuff? But man... I hear it makes you all gassy......."

So on my second trip out this afternoon, to return the pink-dog-tag-looking flash drive that didn't work, I went to Walmart since I figured, using my powers of inference, that if Sam's Club had it, Walmart would have it too.

They did. Big display.... I mean, prominent. All it needed was a neon sign that flashed,

"FAT ASSES! STOP HERE! IT's RIGHT HERE! THE STUFF THAT MAKES YOU GASSY! WITH THE OILY DISCHARGE!"

So I am trying to nonchalantly read the box and brochure and everybody and their stinkin' mother and whiny kid is there and I am RIGHT in the way of ALL of them and of course they see me and do a double-take and I feel like I'm in the magazine section checking out porno magazines or something.

So I circle around a few times and notice the display has a PHONE! A "hotline" in the display so you can call in front of everybody and their fat mother and whiny kid and ask..."..so, what about this gas? Is it lethal? Is it LOUD? I mean..will people actually HEAR me? Will it smell bad?"

Finally, I just dive-bomb the display, weaving in between a curious store clerk and some lady with POINTY toenails she actually had DONE, complete with rhinestones and flowers.

I hide the big box, which has a SECURITY lock thingy on it, under my purse and go looking for the flash drive, which is halfway across the store.

Walmart on a Saturday is an experience you just don't NEED to have - especially when you have something in your cart that just begs people to peer in while you scan the computer-related paraphenalila for 2 gigs of "MORE POWER!"

The checkout line wasn't that long but the cashier had to leave to go look up a price which means a huge and rather loud family gets to stand behind me and STARE at the security-tied box on the check out counter, my copy of Prevention Magazine, and my Dasani water. Plus the Cruzer flash drive thing - but nobody notices THAT.

I swear they are talking in low tones to each other, in between yelling at the kids, who are pulling down the displays.

("See? She buyin' that stuff... that stuff that makes you all gassy.... s'pose to help you lose weight..." "Baby, don't you be THINKIN' I'm gonna buy you that stuff...")

THEN I get to pay for it and you can just imagine the look I got from the cashier - some girl with a muffin-top she displays proudly under her blue associates vest. The packaging flummoxes her and she turns it over and over in her hands. She realizes she can't take the security thing off. So, she CALLS for somebody to come remove it!

I swear TO GOODNESS, in front of EVERBODY she announces that she has to go to electronics to get the security cord thing off of "this weight loss product....."

"HEY AIN'T THIS THE STUFF THAT MAKES YOU gassy?"

Okay. And I have to stand there while she weaves through the crowd and she is gone for whole minutes. While the huge and loud families behind me stand there and cluck their tongues.

So - I got the stuff home.

I ate chicken and took one. My stomach is a bit... acidy.

Later I ate a Pollo Bowl (most of one, anyway..) and took another one. My stomach is a bit acidy.
So far, so good. No gas.

I would like a nice glass of merlot, but I don't want to push my luck here.

There is only so much "gassiness" one can blame on the dog.