Corkscrew Woes

About a year ago, Dan solved a Plethora of Problems by purchasing a new cork remover. And since the kitchen is HIS domain, he always opens the wine and he uses his handy dandy Dream Corkscrew Thing.

Now, sometimes I like to open a bottle of wine and have to do it if he isn't around. Well~ the contraption clearly doesn't like me.

Everytime I open a bottle, the faux cork remains seated. It won't get up. I cannot remove it no matter what I do. So I leave the faux cork ON the Dream Corkscrew Thing and Dan finds it and removes it and all is well. He never says anything and I don't complain. It is a good arrangement.

For Christmas, my sister's family bought for Dan a Most Excellent Top of the Line Corkscrew Remover - complete with a stand. This is because Dan is difficult to buy for - so he gets a lot of unusual kitchen gadgets. This Most Excellent Top of the Line Corkscrew Remover is apparently offended by the Dream Corkscrew Thing and so it remains hidden in the cupboard and is unused. It seems kind of silly to display it - and it doesn't fit the kitchen decor.

So a couple weeks ago I open a bottle of very nice Pino Grigio (on sale) and cannot remove the faux cork. Logic dictates that one would simply twist the faux cork in the opposite direction one twists the corkscrew, no? HA! The whole corkscrew twists neatly off the Dream Corkscrew Thing. It has a screw-type thing at the end of it and it screws neatly into the Dream Corkscrew Thing proper - therefore I am no better off than when I started to remove it. You can't yank it off or heave it off, or use pliers to remove it. I tried. Apparently, Dan never noticed or he didn't try to open a new bottle. So it remains on the Dream Corkscrew Thing, a permanent fixture, it seems.

I am an educated and logical person. I study the problem. Knives WILL cut the faux cork but this stuff is designed to seal wine until the next ice age, so... you aren't going to pull those folds apart. Nosirree Bob! (And HE was no help either!)

So, I get out and dust off the Most Excellent Top of the Line Cork Remover. I study it because it is MOST complicated. I manage to get everything locked into place and remove the faux cork! But, the way the thing is designed, there is no way in Hannah that I am going to get this faux cork off! You can't get a finger in there to twist. And are there instructions? OH HELL NO! Mr. Julia Child threw away the box!

So here I am with tin foil over the top of this nice bottle of Pino Grigio (on sale again) and TWO corkscrew removers with corks stuck in them. Dan is out of town - fishing. Which means the faux corks remain. What if he can't get them out either? What to do? Am I destined to have to buy a new cork remover for every bottle I ever open? Are these things made in a disposable version? And am I going to have to nurse ONE bottle of a good Pino Grigio (on sale) until he notices that his wife is a corkscrew spazz?

:-)Kim