Swimming Suit Dilemma: A Whale Tale

I am looking forward to my upcoming trip to Virginia this weekend - to visit Cavey and the Rocket Scientist.

Since we MIGHT get to go to the lake house (to feed the mighty Feathered Mamba), I need something to wear while swimming.

I have two perfectly reasonable lined lycra tops that will camouflage any and all abdominal imperfections, like scarring, stretch marks, and (oh yeah!) fat.

The bottoms, however, are really bicycle shorts and acceptable if I am swimming alone or with a similiarly-proportioned-friend - but not suitable for the lake house, where the women are tanned and fit and full of collagen. (And the men are above average.)

When these bottoms get wet they are less than attractive.

So - I went to Mervyns and looked.

And looked.

And looked.

Mervyns has all manner of swimwear on sale, which is a good thing except nothing was right.

I found some black speedo type bottoms. Of the scores of black Speedo bottoms hanging on the rack, flung into the aisle, and piled all over the floor, there was exactly ONE in my size. ONE pair that didn't send rolls of muffin top over the edges for that quirky "I am so accepting of my fat self" presentation. They did have quite a few "Size Moose" Speedo bottoms but I, thank goodness, didn't need those. "Size Cow" is bad enough.

I have a gray lycra top. There are NO such things as gray bottoms or gray sport shorts to wear over the black speedo bottom. So I can't match the gray lycra top.

I have a blue lycra top. There are no such things as blue bottoms or blue sport shorts to wear over the black speedo bottoms. So I can't match the blue lycra top.

I found some blue Adidas sport shorts with stripes. They weren't exactly what I had in mind, but I was getting desperate. The stripes come in purple, white, pink, and
green. There was exactly ONE pair with white striping that would reasonably go over the black speedo bottoms and match the blue lycra top.

One try-on quickly determined that these are the type of shorts that will immediately, without hesitation, without passing Go to collect $200, fall off the split second the Rocket Scientist hits the gas and I shoot up on water skis. There I will be: In front of God, Bubba, and everybody with my fat self in black speedo bottoms and blue Adidas shorts riding along my knees.

OR WORSE: The Rocket Scientist will hit the gas and I will tumble, head over heels like a skipped rock - resembling Baby Beluga with blue sport shorts clinging to the right ankle and the left water ski tumbling towards Maryland.

For now, I am relying on Plan B. I will wear the black speedo bottoms, the ONLY one in my size, under the blue bicycle shorts that match the blue lycra top.

I will look frumpy next to the beautiful southern women but I can comfort myself by remembering that I am slimmer than I was the last time I visited Virginia. And that whatever I managed to wear THAT trip, while water skiing or leaping from the water to escape the Feathered Mamba, stayed on. At least, there are no extant pictures to prove otherwise.

I can't recall what I wore - I only remember Cavey saying, when I finally emerged from hiding under my towel, "What are those, hon? Bicycle shorts?"