The Annual Holiday Pageant: A Report from the Trench

This is a report from the trenches, with regard to our Holiday Pageant, created especially for my dear and illustrious Principal:

1. The pageant went beautifully. Nobody was late, nobody forgot anything, and nobody threw up.

2. The Master of Ceremonies was somebody you know and love and has a big mouth. Rumor is she had them rolling in the aisles. Okay, yeah, it was me.

3. Most of the parents arrived on time. The vast majority DID NOT get up to leave when the K-2 portion was over. So much for the idea that space would be created for the Grade 3-5 parents.

4. The B*****S family arrived late, entered the cafeteria with a stroller AND a baby buggy, wife and concubine in tow, and blocked the only entrance door until somebody asked them to move. They did - 2 feet to the right. They were considerate and left the dogs outside.

5. The 5th Grade members of the middle school band were outstanding. Loud applause accompanied the introduction of Mr. Mac and the group. When they arrived for the 2nd performance (Gr. 3-5), the Emcee mistakenly called them the "Challenger Band." She was very loudly corrected by the McM****** men, both of whom were in attendance, arms folded, scowls perfectly in place. Heartening to know they were paying attention.

6. The Grouchy Gramma from H*ll simply could not be appeased with assurances, made generally and otherwise, that the 3rd graders WOULD eventually perform. She barked at the Emcee every single time the poor woman raced back to talk to the custodian about something. When told (again) that they third grade would perform last ("We save the best for last!") she angrily snarled, "WHY?!"

The Emcee, when accosted for the 7th or 8th time, wearily gave up reason and replied soulfully, "It's in the Bible," and patted Gramma on the arm.

7. Only ONE (1) Inebriated and Scantily Clad mother showed up to give the Emcee grief. A non-inebriated and much-embarrassed family member was kind enough to save this woman a seat. In the front row. This proves that blood is thicker than alcohol.

8. The Inebriated and Scantily Clad mother had the Grouchy Gramma beat HANDS DOWN with her repeated requests for information about the status of 3rd Grade. Each and every performing group was mistaken for 3rd grade by this most-proud maternal unit, who stood up to take pictures with a camera phone that had a dead battery. She didn't notice - any of several times she held it up before realizing that her child wasn't there.

("Is this 3rd grade?" she would slur to the Emcee. "No," the most patient Emcee would reply.)

9. The piano player was wonderful and the violin player even better. The CDs all played and we remembered to switch the boombox over to "tape" when it came time for the 2nd Grade to perform.

10. The Powerpoints in the background were a huge hit. They were loaded onto YOUR laptop and currently occupy most of your hardrive. Sorry about that.

11. After several inquiries and TWO (count 'em, TWO) general announcements about the performing status of 3rd grade, the Inebriated and Scantily Clad mother grabbed the Emcee by the sleeve as the Emcee attempted to set up another Powerpoint.

"Where is 3rd grade?" she demanded in her best slurry-speech voice. The Emcee very patiently turned off her microphone, leaned down into inebriated mother's face (gin, I'm guessing), and said sweetly, "Didn't I just announce that?"

12. The entire first row erupted into laughter at the 'taken aback' look on the inebriated mother's face. You gotta hand it to her though. She shot right back, "WELL, SH*T! I am FU*&(#!@G FREEZING HERE!"

13. To her credit, the Emcee did NOT lean down and sweetly reply, "WELL HELL's BELLS! Is it MY FAULT you decided to leave your house this morning at o'dawn thirty in 38 degree weather wearing a skanky tank top, bra straps down to here, tattoos exposed for the world to see, and hip-huggers just a couple sizes too SMALL for your frame, drunk as a freekin' SKUNK at 9:00 in the morning at her child's CHIRISTMAS SHOW?"

14. Instead, the patient Emcee offered her a school sweatshirt. The drunk lady declined. The color was ALL WRONG.

15. Only one Hispanic male, approximately 30-35 years old, with dark hair and an oversized white tee shirt entered the pageant at 10:30 am, exclaimed "HOLY $h**!" and backed out the same way he came in.

16. Only ONE male parental unit had to be spoken to by Officer Mark about his rude and unbecoming behavior when told that, NO, he could not just take his child off the stage risers and LEAVE.

17. Grouchy Gramma, impatient after a minute of photo opportunities for 3rd grade parents, did NOT take any pictures. The fact that 27 parents WERE snapping away mattered not. Instead, she castigated the Emcee for not dismissing the kids RIGHT NOW D&^%$it! so SHE could take her grandchildren home. Despite signing them out, neither of the children wanted to leave with her. In fact, the kindergartener cried and the third grader escaped to the playground. Go figure.

18. You will be proud to note that both of the Instructional Assistants who were challenged to "fight in front of this school" politely declined and then suggested for a SECOND time that these rather annoyed parents sign their children out in the office.

19. A lovely time was had by all - except the office staff. They will be filing for stress-related leave within the next few days. Karen was twitching and Gail had hives. The whereabouts of the attendance clerk could not be ascertained for quite awhile.

20. Officer Mark was flushed from all the excitement.