Nine for a Line

My father died on June 7 of last year and did not get an obituary. Nobody could think clearly enough to compose anything worthy.

This morning, as I perused the paper, I realized that I could write a "memorial" or "tribute" to dad and have it run the anniversary of his death. This would be fitting and since he had so many friends and coworkers over the years, such a memorial might we well-read.

So - I called the L.A. Times to inquire about the cost of such an endeavor. I should have known this wasn't cheap when ObitLady asked me if I was sitting down.

"$9.00 a line," she said, no doubt biting a bullet when she said it.

"Well, how many words in a line," I asked, thinking that a line could be really really long or really really short. ObitLady didn't miss a beat because I bet she has this conversation all day long.

"28 characters is a line, and that includes punctuation and spaces."

"A line isn't sold by the word?" I ask incredulously.

"Well, no..." she says, patienting tittering at my ignorance. "Some people use really big words."

"I tend to use really big words. I LIKE really big words. They are more expressive that really little words."

"Well," ObitLady says with glee, "YOU will be spending a lot more money than people who use little words." She is clearly pleased by this.

"But shouldn't we reward the educated and erudite use of language in this world?" I ask, hoping she'll offer me a discount based on my successful navigation of high school and college English.

"Well, of course. Obits with longer words are certainly more interesting to read," she says, "But the cost of running one in the Times is still $9.00 a line."

"Okay. Well, what about a picture? Can we run a picture?" I ask, tapping my bright purple crayola market on the counter, hoping she will tell me that YES, pictures may be included at no extra charge.

"Are you sitting down?" she asks.

"That much, huh?" I ask, getting a bit deflated.

"Yes. Tell me you are sitting down," ObitLady says with what I consider too much enthusiasm.

"I'm not sitting. But give me a second to lean on something."

She chuckles. Apparently I amuse her.

"Okay. It's $850.00 MINIMUM. And I mean MINIMUM."

"$850 to run a picture?" I ask. I DID hear her the first time but clarification is a good defense to use when you are bowled over by something. $850 to run the picture I have in mind bowls me over. Forget running TWO pictures.

"Yikes. Okay. $850 for the picture, MINIMUM, and $9.00 a line. Yer killin' me here."

She chuckles again. No doubt she will repeat this conversation.

"In a manner of speaking, yes," she replies. "I suppose so."

"You do this in order to keep yourself in business," I say, in my most accusatory tone.
"Job security. Yes. Definitely."

We discuss deadlines and I tell her that if I unearth some buried treasure today I MIGHT eMail her a fittingly worded and erudite memorial essay about my father and MAYBE, just maybe, if I use the next paycheck from my 2nd job, I will sacrifice it to run the picture and keep HER family clothed and fed another week. Or two.

She thanks me profusely.

I am thinking this post here would cost me about $3000.00.
:-)K