Visualize It!

My dear mother, who is in her early 70s, has believed in the power of positive thinking for as long as I can remember. As a kid, I remember her poring over books like, "Think and Grow Rich," and "The Power of Positive Thinking." She also loved anything about Edgar Cayce (the Sleeping Prophet), reincarnation, and hypnosis.

So I shouldn't have been surprised when she went crazy over "The Secret," buying it in hardcover as well as the audiobook format so she can listen and learn while she drives. I've never felt extremely comfortable with her listening to ANYTHING while she drives, considering she likes two speeds: Fast and FASTER.

So today Mom arrives for a visit and barbecue, announcing that she is "visualizing not needing the hearing aide."

My early years, you must know, were punctuated by my mother barking at me to "speak up" and "stop mumbling" and "I can't hear you!" Little did we know she had bad hearing. We just thought she was annoying.

So she buys the cheapest hearing aide in town and then gripes about it until my sister and I convince her to spring for a better model. She still gripes about it and decides ONLY to put it in if you are worth a listen. OR if she paid "good money" to go to a play or concert. Sometimes, she confides, she doesn't put it in so she doesn't have to listen to boring people.

My sister says that if Mom would stop buying clothes she could get herself a decent hearing aide. "But how will we talk about her when she's in the backseat?" I whine. Some of the funniest car rides in my life have included my sister in the front seat, yelling at Mom, who is only hearing every third word, while I run low-volume running commentary in the front seat. The goal is to get my sister almost to the point of laughing but not popping any veins. Mom catches on if her youngest daughter starts snorting water or blood out of her nose. And you can just guess who gets in trouble.

"You have a point. But you must admit that she has an addiction to new clothes," my sister says. Of course she is right. My sister knows about these things.

So today on the way to my favorite antique store she tells me, "I don't need to put my hearing aide in. I can hear you just fine. I am visualizing not needing it. I can't say I can't hear. That's negative."

"You can hear my just fine because I'm shouting at you, Mom," I say wickedly.

"No you're not. It's not nice to tease your mother."

Then she tells me that "this gal" she knows "doesn't need her glasses anymore." She just 'visualizes' being able to see and she doesn't SAY she can't see something anymore. She just - visualizes. And then she sees.

When we returned home, she launched into a story about my Auntie C - who is a true Psychodelic Relic. Seems Auntie C's dog got into the manure and had to be rushed to the vet. Naturally, the vet, seeing her coming, ran x-rays and "discovered" a bladder stone. So the dog "must have surgery" right away to the tune of $3000.00. Auntie C is a bit overboard on this dog - so the vet factors in visits from Auntie C when budgeting his big-ticket expenses for the month.

I tell Mom I think Auntie C should wait, since the dog isn't showing any symptoms or having any problems. At the very least, she should get a second opinion.

Mom informed me that she and C went to the "good psychic" in Carlsbad and he told her to hold off. He doesn't see anything wrong with the dog. For good measure, Mom and Auntie C swung the pendulum and asked if the dog should have surgery. The pendulum swung no.

So, turning away to hide my smirk and knowing I am going to burn in Hell for this, I say to Mom, "Is she visualizing? Is she visualizing the dog not needing surgery?"

Mom pops up off the couch, eyes wide. "No! I don't think she is. I should tell her!"

In for a dime, in for a dollar, I always say. So I casually add (feeling the flames licking my toes already), "Well, Mom.. how about YOU visualize and get the process going? Visualize the dog without any bladder stones. Visualize clear, clean, smooth, healthy dog bladders."

"I'm going to write that down," Mom says, pulling out her trusty pad and pen. "That's a good idea. Are you sure you haven't read "The Secret?"

After dinner, I walked Mom to her car. "Click it, or ticket," I warned good-naturedly.

She is getting into the car.

"What?" She barks. "Speak up! I can't hear you!"

"CLICK IT OR TICKET MOM!" I yell.

"You don't have to yell. Remember, I am visualizing not needing my hearing aide."

As she whips the car around to leave, she pops her head out the window.

"I have a shield around my car," she says. "I visualize it."

Then she speeds off down the street and takes the corner on 3 wheels, no doubt popping in "The Secret" for her listening pleasure.

I forgot to ask Mom to visualize me 20 pounds lighter.

:-)K